The Desert

A few nights ago was Open Mic, and incredible event at our school that always reinforces the talent and passion of my classmates.

One such person is Yannick, who wrote a slam-style poem about home and leaving. As usual, his writing made many of us tear up because of how true it rings.

He quoted a saying that goes something like this:

"When you enter the desert you are lost, and when you emerge you are reborn"

As my first year of college is drawing to a close, I'd like to reflect a bit on that idea, because it definitely holds true.

When I entered NYUAD, I was as lost as I ever was (except maybe during the college search).

I was in classes that were interesting, but that I didn't care about. I wasn't quite sure where I fit in this school, didn't know how to deal with being away from home, and was just generally disoriented and not the happiest.

But I found my friends, (re)found my passions, and began to figure this place out. I started to get un-lost. Not found, exactly, but less lost. Or, lost in a different way. A way that is going somewhere - not sure where, but towards where I should be.

And leaving the desert, I feel as though I have started the process of being reborn.

To start with the superficial - I entered college with long hair, am leaving with it cut boy-short, with no plans on growing it out anytime soon.

I am a theater major now. It isn't the safest choice, but it is one that lights the fire of my heart, mind, and soul.

I'm starting to figure out who I am.  Still working on being comfortable with what I find, but I am in the attempt of realization and love.

I think my confidence has grown. While I am still not the most outspoken, I am more apt to fight for things, and I have done things this year I never thought I would: sleep on a beach, train in a Kalari, perform in the Vagina Monologues, write numerous papers, kill hundreds of trees with said papers, live in the Middle East, camp in the desert, work with a professional theater company as a freshman, walk to get lost in a still-new city, explore topics that challenge my comfort level, audition and be accepted to the RealAD show, and, soon, write a 30-page paper and live in NYC for the summer.

I'm learning to let go, to forgive, to give myself the grace to fall and then stand back up. I'm not the best at any of those, but I am trying.

I don't know what the summer will bring.

I am leaving, reborn, only to return, to be lost again. To continue to grow and change. But not change, necessarily, instead, to "become more of myself".

<3

Opposites

There are some things that just don't go together.

PowerPoint and Burning Man are two of those things, and I put them together today.

My soul has lost a little part of itself, for corrupting the idealism and freedom of Burning Man with the establishment of PowerPoint, a presentation form I don't particularly like.

<3

I'm Not an Actor

... yet in the past three days, I have been in the Vagina Monologues, two student written short plays, and am memorizing a scene for my Making Theater class.

<3

Survivor

One of the shows I keep up with here in Abu Dhabi is Survivor.

I just watched the episode where the family members are flown in for a challenge.

And it made me cry. I am ready to hug my family and friends.

It has been a powerful, fun, but long semester.

Home in 13 days.

<3

Summer

I know what I am doing this summer! No more voids  of confusion and existential crises about my future! Originally I was going to go to India for two and a half months, but that is too far away, for too long, for this summer. So instead, I will be working on the RealAD show.

At NYU, there is something called the Reality Show - a musical/theatrical/spoken word piece about life as a freshman at NYU.

That tradition has been translated to NYUAD, resulting in the RealAD show.

I auditioned to be a part of this, and was cast. That means over the summer I will be in New York City, writing and creating and collaborating on this show, to be presented to the student body of NYUAD once the school year starts.

The show was amazing this year. It hit all of the right points, and some songs make me tear up, even now. We will be creating a whole new show, and we have some pretty big shoes to fill. I want for our show to have the same potency, the same relevance.

In addition to working on this show, I will be a part-time intern with Theater Mitu. (If you haven't already Google-d them, get on that! They are awesome!)

And of course, I will be having lots of crazy adventures in New York. A lot of my friends are either in the show or in NY for other internships, and that will be great.

I will be home for a bit at the beginning and end of the summer. (visiting family, hiking, seeing the spring show, visiting my old school, going to the local SCA event that I haven't missed yet, and generally immersing myself in nature and the rural life for a few weeks)

I am so pumped for this summer! This is the motivation I needed to finish all of my final papers.

<3

Namskara

India.

It is a country that, for unknown reasons, resonates with my heartbeat.

I travelled there with my Making Theater class, to study Kalaripayattu and Mohiniattum.

Again, this is an experience better told in person and around campfires. But here are some impressions, centered around the night we witnessed a performance of the forms by masters Gurukkal, Chechi, and their students.

Planned power outage.
Then the thunder.
And the lightning.
Then the rain.
The sky's opening.
To the bus.
Then to the Kalari - entered as haven, a form of sacred.
Shrine lit by flames.
Candles and incense and oil.
The scent of flowers and rain and incense.
Waiting.
Entranced by the shrine.
Not thinking, but not not thinking.
More candles. An electric light.
A decision.
The thunder booms like drums.
More candles.
Kalaripayattu as it was meant to be witnessed.
The flickering of flames and feet pounding the earth.
A sword. A shield. Sparks.
Jumping and hitting and dust.
Sharp. Real risk. But trust.
Ages and skill and sweat and power.
The thunder complimenting.
More sparks.
Swords like whips.
Raising the dust and noise and sparks.
Shiva.
A shift, to dance.
Bells and a foot tapping.
Power of feet connecting with the earth and ground.
Flames.
The shrine ever-present.
A final exit.
Thanking Shiva and the masters and the energy and the space.
Earth.
Head.
Heart.
The storm as a compliment to the power.
The fresh smell of rain.
Cleansed.

<3

I've Been Here for a While

When I saw a news heading for something that happened in the "Gulf", my mind did not immediately jump to the Gulf of Mexico.

Instead I thought of where I am now. In one of the Gulf countries.

And that got me thinking how long I have been away from 'home' for. I am using 'home' in this sense to refer to Vermont, to the States.

This semester seemed to go by so quickly, but it has felt like so much longer away from home. More permanent.

Which, in a way, I guess it is. As freshman year is drawing to a close (how did that happen?) I am facing the reality that this is my life.

I am an adult(ish).

I'm in college, trying to find/forge my own path, with all of the uncertainties and changes that brings.

In 27 days I will be 'home'. I can't wait to hug my family, my friends, my dogs, to see trees and stars again.

I just wonder how much I have changed. Because I know I have, but I also know I can't see all those differences. I hope I still fit.

<3